The First Time
by bingblot
Summary: She'd never thought she was a baby person but she was learning that what she'd really meant was that she wasn't a baby person when it came to someone else's babies. Because this moment was perfect. A short plotless one-shot.


Disclaimer: As always, all things "Castle" belong to Andrew Marlowe and the powers that be at ABC.

Author's Note: A short little fic because this little scene came into my head and demanded to be written out. A plotless piece of fluff for your Friday.

 **The First Time**

Kate was lying in bed, listening to the quiet sound of Castle's steady, even breathing beside her.

She had woken up a little while ago for no reason and was just waiting to fall asleep again. She suspected she would before long. She seemed to need an incredible amount of sleep these days, was even taking naps for almost the first time in her adult life.

She was half-dozing, her mind picturing a little boy with Castle's blue eyes, grinning gleefully and mischievously as he flung cereal onto the floor. Making a mess and then trying to get out of a scolding by turning wide, innocent blue eyes up to her, just like his father…

And then…

She stiffened a little, her idle daydreaming interrupted, as she found herself holding her breath. Had that been…

She'd thought… she wasn't sure but she'd thought she'd felt… _something_ …

She waited, not sure whether she'd imagined it or if it had been something else entirely, but then it came again. An odd sensation, a vague rippling sort of feeling, that she could only describe as being something like a butterfly fluttering inside her stomach.

And this time, whether because she'd been waiting for it, her every sense straining for it, she was sure she felt it.

Oh. Oh. Oh god. It was—it really was—the baby. She'd just felt the baby move!

She gasped a little, her breath coming quickly. The baby. Oh oh oh. The baby. This was really happening. She was really having a baby.

She didn't know why that thought suddenly hit her so hard, tears abruptly stinging her eyes. After all, she'd known she was pregnant for a couple months now. She'd been through the nausea and vomiting, although that part had thankfully mostly gone away in the last month or so, and now she seemed to be constantly hungry to say nothing of tired. And she hadn't had coffee in months, which she thought might be the worst part about being pregnant, worse than the nausea, worse than the occasional dizziness, worse than the exhaustion or the way tears seemed to come so easily these days. (Castle had stopped having coffee too, in solidarity or, as he'd put it, because he didn't want to risk her shooting him by drinking coffee right in front of her as if to taunt her. She hadn't even tried to argue because yeah, there were times she thought she could actually kill for a cup of coffee and if he'd drunk coffee right in front of her—well, she might not literally shoot him but she wouldn't bet on keeping calm about it either.)

So she'd known she was pregnant. People knew about it—everyone who really mattered. Her dad, Alexis, Martha, Lanie, the boys. But _knowing_ something was true was different than really _feeling_ it. And somehow, until now, it had sort of been an intellectual thing, she realized now, knowing with her mind that she was pregnant. But it hadn't fully sunk in, not really, that there was actually a baby growing inside her. A baby. A part of her and Castle, a new life. She hadn't really felt it; it seemed so unbelievable, especially as until the last few weeks, she hadn't really been able to see a change in her body. She'd felt some changes but her stomach had seemed flatly, stubbornly unchanged until just a few weeks ago.

And now… She'd felt the baby— _her_ baby—move!

She'd never thought she was a baby person but she was learning that what she'd really meant was that she wasn't a baby person when it came to _someone else's_ babies. Because this moment, feeling her baby move for the first time, this moment was perfect. Almost perfect.

Kate reached out to shake Castle's shoulder, aware that her hand was not entirely steady in her excitement and her overpowering emotion. "Castle! Castle, wake up! Castle!"

He made a grumbling sort of noise as he stirred and then he fully awoke, lifting his head. "Wha—Beckett, what is it? Are you okay? What's wrong?" he asked in sudden, immediate worry.

She let out a shaky little huff of a laugh. "Nothing's wrong. Everything's perfect. Oh, Castle, I just felt the baby move!"

He sucked in his breath and abruptly sat up. "You did? Really?"

She nodded energetically, not looking at him, her eyes still fixed on her stomach, not that anything was actually visible through her sleep shirt. The gentle curve of her stomach wasn't really noticeable yet to anyone except for her and Castle. She reached out blindly for his hand, grasping his wrist so he could flatten his hand over the barely-there curve of her stomach.

"Is the baby moving again?" he asked, his voice a hoarse whisper and she didn't know why he was whispering. She felt like she could shout.

She shook her head. "No, no, but wait, maybe she will again. Hopefully she will."

He shifted to lie back down, sliding his arm around her and bringing her in until she was leaning against him, his one hand remaining flattened over her stomach, right alongside her hand. She rested her head against his shoulder, finding the most comfortable position with the ease that came from familiarity.

And they waited.

She hardly dared to breathe and she could feel that he was almost holding his breath too, felt the soft, gentle stirrings of his shallow breaths against her ear.

They waited.

"Oh, please, sweetheart…" he breathed.

Please what? Did he think she could control this—and then she belatedly realized that he hadn't been talking to her at all and felt emotion and happiness blossoming inside her. He'd been talking to the baby. Their baby.

He never had before. Come to think of it, that rather surprised her. She'd been expecting that from the moment she'd told him she was pregnant, he would start talking to their baby, holding long conversations with their baby, regardless of whether their baby could hear him or not. After all, Castle was a talker. She had no doubt that when Alexis had been a baby, he'd probably given long perorations to baby Alexis about anything and everything under the sun.

But he hadn't. He talked to her about the baby, planning everything from the nursery that was slowly coming together to future college plans (typical Castle to be leaping so far ahead) but he hadn't actually talked to the baby. Until now.

"Please…" he whispered again, hardly above a breath.

The seconds ticked by as neither dared to move, hoping, waiting.

She was almost about to sigh and give up when it happened again, that faint little quiver in her stomach, and she caught her breath. "Castle," she gasped.

His hand tightened on her stomach as he stiffened. "Oh my God, Kate," he whispered, his voice slow, sounding awed. "I felt it. Or at least, I think I felt it. I felt _something_. Our baby. Kate… What does it feel like for you?"

"It's… oh, it's hard to describe but it's like a fluttering, like a tiny butterfly inside my stomach. It's not strong but it's there." She turned her head to smile into his eyes. "Our baby, Castle." Their baby! She wished she could see his eyes but it was too dark in their room and anyway, she supposed it didn't really matter. She knew quite well what his eyes would look like, the deep blue shining with emotion the way his eyes always did when they spoke about the baby. She felt a sudden surge of emotion, of love, and at that moment, she honestly didn't know if it was more for him or for the baby—and maybe it didn't matter. She loved both of them. Her husband and her baby. Their baby! They had felt their baby move for the first time, real palpable proof that they had made a new life together. She felt sudden tears stinging her eyes and blinked frantically to hold them back. Damn stupid hormones making her cry so easily and so often these days. But it truly was the most profoundly beautiful moment of her entire life, feeling their baby move with Castle, his large warm hand almost entirely covering the small curve of her stomach, protective and strong and loving. A perfect moment, poignant and so incredibly intimate too. It might have been the most intimate moment she'd ever felt, feeling their baby move and knowing that Castle was feeling the same surge of emotion that she was.

"Our baby," he repeated and oh, he sounded as if he were on the verge of tears, she thought, her heart becoming a soft, melting thing inside her chest. She would never get over how deeply Castle loved, with his whole heart and soul, the way he loved Alexis and her, the way she knew he already loved their baby. And then he kissed her, softly, tenderly. "Thank you for waking me up."

She gave a breathless laugh, joy bubbling up inside her. "Of course I woke you up. He's your baby too, Castle. Oh Castle, he moved, we felt him move!"

"She," he corrected her. "She moved."

She laughed again. "Fine, she moved."

Castle was convinced that they were having a daughter. Kate herself, oddly enough, had no idea, no feeling or instinct as to which sex their baby might be (she rather worried about this, wondering if it signaled some lack of maternal instinct in her, although she hadn't admitted this to anyone.) She honestly didn't have a preference, girl or boy (both seemed equally surreal and somewhat terrifying as the entire prospect of becoming a mom rather was, still, in spite of her undeniable happiness). She daydreamed about a dark-haired little girl with her eyes and Castle's smile or a little boy like a miniature Castle and both images filled her with so much happiness and poignant hope she thought she might burst with it.

They had mutually agreed not to try to find out because, as Castle had put it, it would be like skipping to the end of a book and at any rate, Castle was absolutely positive that they were having a girl. So while Kate switched between referring to the baby as he or she, Castle persistently and always used 'she' to refer to the baby.

Their baby.

She moved her hand to entwine her fingers with his over her stomach. "Oh Castle, we felt our baby move," she repeated. She was aware that she was probably beginning to sound like a broken record but she couldn't seem to help it. It was just so… amazing. She, Kate Beckett, was having a baby and she'd just felt the baby move!

"I had no idea…" he breathed, so quietly she almost had trouble hearing it, even leaning against him as she was.

She turned her head to look at him. "No idea about what?"

"Hmm, what? Nothing," he answered quickly, too quickly.

"Castle," was all she said but by now, she knew he would recognize her tone. Knew too that he would tell her if she waited.

He hesitated and then sighed and finally said, his voice sounding unlike himself and so very quiet, "I had no idea it would feel like that, to feel a baby move."

She blinked and frowned. He'd had no idea? She was obviously experiencing all this for the first time but she'd assumed—and Castle rather acted as if he were—an expert at pregnancy, as much as any man could be. He was, after all, the one who was a father already, who'd been through all this before. She knew, because he'd told her, that he'd read pretty much every pregnancy and baby book out there because of Alexis and had happily read quite a few of them again with her.

"But…" she began and then cut herself off before she could continue. Meredith. She knew that Meredith hadn't been—still wasn't—an involved mother but beyond that, Castle didn't talk much about Meredith for obvious reasons. And Kate hadn't asked what Meredith's experience of pregnancy was like for equally obvious reasons.

Now she wondered. What had it been like, when Meredith was pregnant with Alexis, when Castle would have been so young, so eager and excited about becoming a father for the first time? Her heart twisted a little at the thought. For the most part, it really didn't matter because Castle was so happy, so thrilled, so… Castle-like… over her pregnancy that she couldn't imagine that he could be any more so. As it was, she sometimes laughed that if he were any more excited, he'd probably be quite literally floating. But yes, sometimes, in a tiny corner of her heart she didn't want to acknowledge, she still wished that this would be new to him too, that he could be experiencing the wonder of becoming a parent for the first time with her. Because first times were precious and becoming a parent was such an amazing experience like nothing else that she could only imagine that sharing the emotion would be even more precious. And it was all so new to her, so overwhelmingly, overpoweringly new and terrifying, and she felt so out of her depth at times and Castle seemed—and in so many ways, really was—something of an expert on this because of the books he'd read and from having Alexis. Which was fine and even helpful since it was probably good that it wasn't a case of the blind leading the blind, as it were. And yet…

He tightened his arms around her and she wished it was brighter so she could see his eyes, read his expression, but it was too dim in their room for her to do more than dimly make out his features even as close as they were.

"It's okay, Castle," she relented softly. "You don't have to tell me." He didn't. She, of all people, knew how hard it could be to talk about things that were personal, past hurts. And she knew he didn't like to talk about Meredith. He talked about Gina more readily and she suspected that it was because his marriage to Gina had not scarred him as deeply; their divorce had been more of a mutual thing.

He didn't respond for a minute and she wasn't expecting him to tell her now, assumed his silence meant that he didn't want to talk about it. But then he abruptly blurted out, "Alexis wasn't planned, you know."

"Mm," she hummed quietly in acknowledgment.

"But I was thrilled. Terrified too but I was so happy, so excited… I went out and bought a roomful of baby stuff first thing…"

Kate suppressed a smile. She could imagine. Castle had pretty much bought out an entire baby supply store the day after she'd told him she was pregnant and whenever he went out on his own, she knew to pretty much expect that he would come back with some little thing or other for the baby. It had even led to a few minor spats, such as when he'd bought an entire nursery-full of decorations without so much as consulting her. She'd been angry at him for the way it sometimes seemed as if he thought her opinion didn't matter because she'd never done any of this before and so she didn't really know what to expect, not really, since actually experiencing something was entirely different from reading about it. But for the first time it occurred to her to wonder if part of the reason Castle sometimes acted as if he alone were responsible for preparing for the baby in all but the actual experience of pregnancy was because Meredith had let him do just that.

"I was excited. Meredith… wasn't. She didn't like being pregnant, worried over gaining weight and getting her figure back afterwards. And Meredith was sick a lot—she was still throwing up into the sixth month—so I could understand that she wasn't thrilled and told myself it would all change once Alexis was finally born…"

He trailed off, was silent for a long few seconds, and then he went on, the words coming jerkily, "She didn't… she wasn't… excited so it wasn't the same. She let me take care of her but it wasn't—it wasn't like it was because she was having my baby but because she was sick so much she needed the help. It—it wasn't the same. I never… got to feel Alexis kick or… or anything," he finished very quietly, his voice low and husky with suppressed emotion.

Kate felt her heart squeeze in her chest. Not for the first time, she thought that she could really hate Meredith. Castle might not say it but she could hear in his voice that he'd been disappointed, hurt, by Meredith's attitude. She already knew how much he hated Meredith's careless and neglectful attitude towards mothering but she hadn't realized that Meredith's attitude had extended to pregnancy as well.

She thought about the moment of feeling their baby move, of the emotion in Castle's voice, the joy and excitement suffusing his tone as he'd said that he had felt it too, the same joy and excitement she had felt.

And even though just a moment ago, she'd wished just a little, for one fleeting moment, that this would be Castle's first time of becoming a parent, that they might share all the wonder, the miracle, of it together, now, knowing that in so many ways, this _was_ a first time for Castle too, irrationally, she found herself wishing that it wasn't. Wished that Castle really had experienced all of this before, that he knew what it felt like to feel a baby of his move and kick and everything.

Because the alternative, the reality, of what it must have been like for Castle, so happy and hopeful at the thought of Alexis but unable to share that with Meredith, made her heart hurt. She couldn't imagine being alone in all this, being alone in the anticipation and hope and fear and happiness of knowing one was going to become a parent. She suddenly wanted to cry, again, but she forced the tears back and swallowed the lump of emotion in her throat, managing a teasing tone. "Well, Castle, since you're the one responsible for this baby inside me, if you think you're getting out of sharing any part of these next months and years with the baby, you can think again. Fair warning that in a few months time when I look like I've swallowed a basketball and I'm waking up every hour to go to the bathroom, you're waking up too."

He laughed. "I wouldn't have it any other way, Kate." And she knew he meant it. He would be there for every kick, every weird craving she had in the middle of the night, every doctor's appointment—just as she knew he would be there for the sleepless nights and dirty diapers. They would share all of it together, partners in parenting as they already were in everything else.

He tightened his arm around her and turned his head to kiss her temple. "Come on, Kate, you should get some more sleep."

"I know," she agreed.

She shifted, finding a more comfortable position, still curled up next to him, and felt him move one hand to stroke her hair.

She let her eyes close as she pictured a little girl with dark hair and Castle's blue eyes and his sense of fun, hope and joy blossoming inside her chest.

"Kate?"

"Hmm?"

"What do you say we go look at cribs this weekend?"

She smiled. "I'd love that."

She sensed rather than saw his slight smile but he said nothing more and after a while, she heard his breathing even out, felt the soothing, steady rhythm of his heartbeat beneath her hand resting on his chest. And it was only a few minutes before she, too, drifted asleep to dream of their baby, their family.

 _~The End~_

A/N 2: Not quite sure how I feel about this one but it's written and figured I'd post it anyway. I hope everyone has a very good weekend.


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